| Author |
Message |
Anonymous
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 22, 2005 - 8:39 pm: | |
This might seem like a stupid question but what is the best way of avoiding office politics/gossip?
In my past job experience, companies and organisations tend to be rife with it. With hindsight and regret, I was part of that dynamic. However, when I left the world of work in order to raise family, there was an small period of time in which I was gossiped about in my neighbourhood. I learned some valuable life lessons about how soul destroying and nasty gossip can be. I don't ever want to gossip or be gossiped about ever again. In fact when someone begins to tittle-tattle, I get so angry and let rip ( which I know is not the best approach).
Now, after a period of abscence, I hope to return to full time employment. Given that I can't exactly get angry and let rip because my livleyhood depends on getting along with my co-workers/bosses, what is the best way to avoid being "pulled" in to bitchy conversations about other people. Is it better to just be silent or answer a bitchy remark with a positive comment about the individual who is being targeted? Would the latter not then likely cause friction between the gtossip and myself?
Any tips on poitively handlinng this type of situation would be most welcoms - so that I can be prepared. |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 22, 2005 - 10:13 pm: | |
Ohhhh .... this is simply the bad side of human nature ! It is the rat race in which human beings involve themselves trying to prove they are better than their neighbors.
My business has been successful for about 20 years but my relatives and my neighbors ( due to my relatives' "propaganda" ) constantly gossip sooner or later I will go broke.
I make much more money than them but they claim I live with my mother's retirement !!!!!
Every time a big company has problems they rumor perhaps I had bought its stocks....
they are ripe for the madhouse ! 
In reality I think there is no comparison between what I can do and what they can do but they even invent rumors purposely to prove they are the best part of the family. •••• them ! In 2 generations they will be the POOR part of the family !
I will not go into details explaining all these sick people have been able to do in order to tease me and my mother ( sometimes they have reached a limit warranting a suit against them ) but the point is that the best thing to do is to ignore these idiot people who try to pollute our lives !
The funny thing is that they hate to be ignored and so they continue to gossip and to spread rumors hoping to get a reaction which will make them feel "important".
They need therapy !!!!!!
A doctor can give them all the attention they need !
Maurizio |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 23, 2005 - 5:25 am: | |
What I mean is that we must not allow other people to influence our lives ( unless they are members of our families, of course ).
Sometimes people are really bad and they try everything they can to put us on the wrong direction. So, let's be the owners of our lives !
I write this because reading your message it seems those people can influence your behavior. You really seem worried about what they think. Too much ! In my opinion this is a mistake.
We must take ALL the important decisions in our life ! What the others say is only their ( often biased ) opinion.
Maurizio |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 23, 2005 - 12:15 pm: | |
Anonymous, I would like to know how what I have written fits your experience and your opinions. |
tara
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 23, 2005 - 12:49 pm: | |
Anonymous, When you refuse to gossip, you will get friction, no way around it. By refusing to join in, you are shedding light on it... the gossiper sees or senses it is not kind. That is what causes the friction you speak of. I have found that a big accepting smile and changing the subject as smoothly as possible creates the least amount of friction. Keep it simple: You don't want to gossip, therefore you will not. Pass no judgement on the gossipers, it isn't your place, and your chances of a good working relationship increase... IMHO |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 6:21 am: | |
very good, Tara .... probably you are a better diplomat than me !
Just an advice for me : what if you are the object of ( unfair ) gossip ? |
Tara
| | Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 12:18 pm: | |
Maurizio, You have a lot of work to do with your family situation. Fortunately the work is for you, so you can make a change. When we look to others for the "fault" we are just avoiding looking at ourselves.
It is in a million self help/spiritual books so I am not claiming to be the author of this advice.
It isn't easy Maurizio, but try to see that you can control only you. You are not responsible for the actions of others, however, you are responsible for your actions/feelings. If you respond in an ugly manner, that is your bag. No one can make you behave badly. That is your decision. A lot of times I quite simply ask myself, "Is this the way Jesus would have acted/responded". It is a real wake up call for sure.
None of this is easy O.K. Every effort is worth the try. To send love and peace to someone you perceive as a problem in your life is tough. Try to stop seeing them as a problem, they are not. Try to embrace them as a personal lesson sent straight from heaven just for you. Again, I know this is not easy.
Why do they gossip, Why must they be so mean. Why can't they leave me alone..... Leave those questions alone. Stop focusing on THEM, you have no business in their stuff.
Ask instead:
What can I learn from this.
What can I do better.
How can I become peaceful no matter what.
How can I walk the walk of Jesus/Buddha or whomever you aspire to, and not just talk the talk?
and importantly, don't try to answer these questions yourself. Let them go out to an Intelligence beyond your imagination. Let the answer come to you. Your monkey brain (no offense intended, I have one too) cannot know the answer, it created the problem. Your thinking is the problem. You think they are mean, etc. Stop thinking about them. Think about you. Think about how you are responding,feeling, etc.
We all have a family member or six, LOL that we struggle with. Why, because we have something to learn about OURSELVES.
and trust me one this last piece of advice, this I have lived and learned.
The more you fight, the more you will get. You fight the little lesson. More homework just gets piled up on you the more you fight. Before you know it... the little lesson has turned into a mountain of a lesson. Remember the saying "turn a mole hill into a mountain". Yup, it will happen.
What do you read Maurizio? Who inspires you? |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 12:46 pm: | |
In the last years I have read books about Buddhism & spiritist sittings.
Your post is really interesting !
According to you, what is the "lesson" ( karma ) hidden in these events ?
I had the idea to ask Asoka but unfortunately he is travelling.
What do you mean when you write
"The more you fight, the more you will get. You fight the little lesson. More homework just gets piled up on you the more you fight. Before you know it... the little lesson has turned into a mountain of a lesson. Remember the saying "turn a mole hill into a mountain". Yup, it will happen. " ?
When you have time could you expand on the subject ?
Thank you
Maurizio |
tara
| | Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 1:56 pm: | |
Maurizio, about fighting life. Well, if you do not accept what life brings you, it will bring you more of what you do not accept. Again... if you do not accept what life brings you, it will bring you more of what you do not accept. And by accept I do not mean climbing in bed and giving up. I mean an attitude of acceptance, not anger at what comes or does not come to you. Just think back through your experiences in life and you will see this self evident truth.
If I am layed off from work let's say... I come home all pissed off, "The jerks at that place don't know a good thing when they have it, etc" Guess what... more •••• is about to land on my doorstep.. bet on it. The same goes for an attitude of victim or any other negative reaction.
If I can get my mind around the belief that all I ever need will be provided for me. If I know that I am not in control of this Universe, I can come away from this layoff with an attitude of, humm, guess I need to be doing something else right now. That is wanting what "life" (God/Buddha/Universe,All knowing, etc) wants. There is a difference between not being happy with something, and not accepting it. My Grandmother just passed away, I am not happy about it, I will miss her... But I accept it as a part of life. I am not cursing the skys, asking God, why why why.. I am not in victim mode, poor me, what will I do, I needed her, etc. etc.
Going with the flow.... trying to swim against the current is exhausting, right? Life has a current, you can flow with it.... or against it.
If you keep trying to swim against the current of a river, how will you fair? You would eventually drown.
Be careful Maurizio, it is dangerous ground to look elsewhere for spiritual work. Look inside, know yourself. Books can be a great guide, guide only... It will seem I am a salesperson for Eckhart Tolle or Guy Finley... I am not. What I read rings true for me in their books. Could be completely different for you. I also read Wayne Dyer, David R Hawkins and the late Vernan Howard. I am also a little into books like "The Field" by Lynne McTaggart, which really is more brain tickling than anything else. |
Anonymous
| | Posted on Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 7:07 pm: | |
Thanks for the advice guys. Tara you are absolutely right - Im going to try your tactics.
best wishes |
tara
| | Posted on Friday, February 25, 2005 - 10:43 am: | |
Your are very welcome anonymous. Glad all my reading can come to some use other than myself.
Maurizio, just one more caution before I go.... Take care with all this knowing and talking (like I am doing right now LOL). Knowing and Being are two different things. I know a lot of things, have read a lot of things, yack yack yack about things... All meaningless unless I can BE different. Be better, Be kind.... don't fall in the trap of learning about spirituality so you can use it to judge others, be superior (only in your mind) or be right(again, only in your mind). When I first started reading about spiritual matters, etc. it was to be right, to buck against friends who believed I was doomed to hell because I didn't go to church or because I didn't believe that only the chosen religion would "go to heaven". That is not Being a spiritual person. That is statisfying the ego, the monkey brain I spoke of. Anyway, just be careful of that.
Your life/relationships/etc. will not improve until You do. Bottom line. |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Friday, February 25, 2005 - 12:54 pm: | |
Hello Tara,
first of all, a sincere thank you for all the time you took to write about me & my "problem".
Just a little note : I really would be sorry if I had given you a wrong impression of me in the first post of this thread.
I am not a cocky and/or arrogant person and I am not used to feel superior to other people.
Indeed I often think there are a lot of people better than me !
What I wrote about my relatives is only because they are really a bunch of bastards. It is NOT because I have the tendency to feel superior to others ! I do not like the Catholic church but I completely agree with them about the perverse consequences money has in the brain of many people. This is exactly what happened to my relatives. They are literally SLAVES of their social position and to stay ahead of others they are willing to do and say anything.
Maurizio |
tara
| | Posted on Friday, February 25, 2005 - 4:45 pm: | |
Maurizio, You sound angry, and I quote "bunch of bastards" "slaves to their social position"
Are those not judgements?
You are a fraud on this board Maurizio. You are looking for someone to fight with you or maybe to agree with you and join in your negative energy. I sensed this, but I went on ahead and gave advice that was not wanted to enhance my own ego.
You were here to teach me a valuable lesson.
Don't bother cluttering up the board with any nasty messages to me, it just brings everyone down and I will never again visit this board to read them. |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Saturday, February 26, 2005 - 6:49 am: | |
Wow !
I posted the message about my relatives only because I wanted to see if anyone could have given me an interesting answer about the lesson hidden in these events, not to invite people to support me or to fight at my side. You are not acquainted with my relatives so it would have been simply impossible. Moreover the "fighters" are my relatives ! And I have an enough strong character to make "psychological" support from others relatively "unuseful".
What did I do so nasty ?
You said you often ask yourself " what Jesus would have done in that situation " ......
well .... in this case I do not think he would have written that message !
You say you are Christian : Jesus Christ forgave even his murderers ( besides a lot of other people ) but you condemn me so heavily only because of my judgement ( of my WORDS ) about people you have never met ! Your actions are the contrary of what you have written in your past messages in this thread. And, incoherently, you are also issuing a ( so exagerated ! ) judgement about me because I "dare" to issue a judgement about other people !
And you also want to leave this board only because of this !!!
These things are completely disproportionate to what I have done !
I do not have any intention to send you a nasty message, Tara !
My negative energies ? We are imperfect human beings, Tara.
Yes, I am not perfect. I know this. And, by the way, this is precisely the reason I attend this board !!!!
Saints do not need to improve, I am not a saint and I do need evolution.
I wish you to keep developing your Christian qualities and I am sure one day you will understand the mistake you have done writing your last message.
I am not angry at all and your message was not offensive for me. It was simply rude and exagerated. It does not fit the situation : it is so out of context that I feel like I have just read a message for another person ! Really, I am not touched by it in any way. I will take the best from your previous excellent messages and forget this.
I invite you to stay with us and to develop a great quality : tolerance.
Indeed I leave you with some words I am sure you have already heard when you go to your Christian church: patience, tolerance, forgiveness.
Maurizio |
Chris
| | Posted on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 10:31 am: | |
Also, WOW...
I didnt see anything written by you at all, Maurizio, that warranted that attack from Tara.
Maybe Tara is the fraud on this board, huh? I wouldnt want to say that though because that would be like passing judgement and that is something that I do not do. There is only One that does that and that One is not me. |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 1:45 pm: | |
Well, I asked myself many times what made Tara so upset and re-reading all the thread I think probably it was when I wrote I do not like the catholic church.
But I did not imagine to start a religions' war !
Really, it was not my intention !
Maurizio |
Michelle
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 01, 2005 - 1:02 am: | |
I find it interesting that this thread started out speaking about avoiding office poltics, gossip, and those 'bitchy' conversations. It progressed to 'attacking' Maurizio for his 'judgement' of some of his family. Who of us can honestly say that they do not judge others on some level or another?
The 'attack' by Tara could be viewed as belonging to the same negative vein as gossip, and is a judgement in itself.
Tara, why does the subject of judgement 'push your buttons'? What has Maurizio given you the chance to learn about yourself from your reaction?
Maurizio, are you feeling 'attacked' by the what Tara said in a similar way to you do when your family 'attacks' you? What should matter to you is not what you said to led to that response from Tara, but what has Tara given you the opportunity to learn? Nothing is by chance.
Gossip and judgements are difficult to avoid. In fact in many ways they are linked together. If you don't judge people then you will never find yourself gossiping.
When you reach a point where you place no value or importance on what is being said by others, gossip and judgements will not effect you. You know what is true for you. It was a long process to reach this point for me and one which I am still learning. I am definately still learning or I would not have read this thread. And yes, I am aware that some of what I posted - stating that what Tara said was an attack - is a judgement. I am far from perfect.
Peace, love, tolerance.
Michelle
Tara and Maurizio - you have both given each other the chance to learn more about yourselves.
Isn't that a wonderful opportunity? |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 01, 2005 - 5:24 am: | |
I think people who gossip are not only interested in what the rumored person thinks of the subject but mainly in what effect their gossips will have on the surrounding "community".
Indeed many times the rumored will never know of those gossips.
My mother has 2 brothers and 1 sister. Every family constantly criticizes the other 3 in order to make themselves better, to have even a tiny advantage in "social consideration" over their relatives
Indeed I decided to part company with them I think at least 20 years ago but there are still gossips about my family ! They are bleak & disgusting
This is the human beings' behavior .... nothing really surprising.
This just to explain the situation ( I am not looking for moral support or else ), since Tara made of a simple series of messages a so important issue.
Maurizio |
Maurizio
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 01, 2005 - 8:34 am: | |
...and yes, I do have negative energies !
I posted these messages about my relatives because in my life I have only 2 "problems" :
1 - at 41 I am still single
2 - my bad relations with relatives
Therefore I assume the lesson my higher self decided to teach me ( to speak in Asoka's terms so everybody understand what I mean ) could well be hidden in one of these 2 areas. Or perhaps in both.
Anyone with possible interpretations ?
Maurizio |
Michelle
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 02, 2005 - 7:10 pm: | |
Maurizio
I firmly believe that our soul has chosen our family. There is definately many challenges presented by our families, and they seem to be the hardest 'lessons' to learn.
I believe that people who gossip do so to make themselves feel better and to gain energy from another person. I thnk that gossipers unconsciously believe that the energy available in the Universe limited and to get more energy they must take energy from someone else. They do not know how to link into the Universal energy, or that Energy is unlimited.
Perhaps you are here to teach your family that energy is not limited and that they do not need to take energy by gossiping, that anyone can link into the Universal directly energy themselves. Perhaps you can lead them to this idea by your example.
Or, Maybe you have been given the chance to learn from your family that you have the strength to honour yourself and value yourself for who you are, and NOT base your value on what others say or think of you or on your 'social standing'.
I don't know if you place value on what others say about you, or 'social standing' - either unconsciously or consciously. If placing value on what others say about you or valuing your 'social standing' is a familt 'trait', perhaps you have unconsiously learnt it as a child too. Now you have learnt that it has negative and positive effects to place value on what other people say. Perhaps although you know that it really doesn't matter what other people say (because you know what is true), what people say still effects you because you learnt to place value on it as a child. It could be an unconsious belief that what others say matters, or what social standing you have matters. IF you learnt this unconsciously as a child does it serve you to still believe it now?
I am putting forward an opinion, two interpretations, it does not mean that they will apply to you. I could be completely wrong. I certainly won't pretend that I know you or what you think. It is two ways of interpreting the information you have given.
I know that I haven't explained my interpretation as clearly as I would have liked to, but I hope that you understand what I am trying to say. (The big challenge that I am learning from my family is communication.)
I hope that something in what I have said is of benefit to you.
Good luck.
Michelle |
Chris
| | Posted on Thursday, March 03, 2005 - 5:10 pm: | |
That was very well said Michelle. You had some very good comments on his family issues. As far as your first issue, Maurizio, "at 41 I am still single", maybe you are single for a reason. Maybe you will find someone down the road...who knows? What is important Now is that you are single. What I am suggesting is to stop projecting your thoughts into a future with someone else. What I would suggest is to stop (not that I am trying to read your mind) focusingyour thoughts on finding that special someone and instead focus on yourself and your inner life. If it is meant to be, as far as a girlfriend/wife, then it will be.
Michelle asked earlier, "Who of us can honestly say that they do not judge others on some level or another?" Well that question is relative to us all is it not? What one calls "judging", another may not necessarily agree to the same definition. To judge someone, to me, is when you look at the whole spector of someones life or as much as you can before making a call. Like if you go to court for anything the "judge" looks at all he can about you. To simply say something in observance of anothers behavior/actions/appearance without knowing everything behind the scenes, to me is not judging but simply observing because I never know whats going on behind the scenes with anyone except myself. |
Harmony
| | Posted on Thursday, March 03, 2005 - 10:29 pm: | |
After reading about Maurizio's concern about not yet being married at 41, I was reminded of my own experience. I didn't get married until I was 44. For years I'd been looking and hoping, but nothing ever worked out. But it was at a time when I was finally very happy and content with my life the way it was. I was doing a lot of service for others along with my very time-consuming job. I'd found happiness and completeness within myself, the way God made me. And I figured if God had a better plan for me, then he would show it to me. My husband and I had been friends for a couple of years through a singing group we were in, but we didn't start dating until the time was right for both of us, and then things just started to happen. We were married eight months later. I hadn't been ready for marriage before that and although my husband had been married before, he wasn't ready for this marriage until then. We both had a lot of growing to do. And we're still growing both as individuals and together. It's rather awesome. And I've found that it was definitely worth the wait! |
Phoenix
| | Posted on Friday, March 04, 2005 - 12:11 am: | |
Hi Harmony,
I too have found that when you look for something you seldom find it, and when you stop looking, there it is!
I am happy for your happiness!
Phoenix |
Michelle
| | Posted on Friday, March 04, 2005 - 5:02 am: | |
Hi,
Chris, Thank you for your kind words about my earlier comments.
Harmony, I agree with you that once you find happiness and completeness within yourself that is the time that you are more likely to find that 'right' person, or realise that the 'right' person is already there. I think that once you are content within yourself, you no longer NEED to look to other people to find your happiness, completeness or contentment. Happiness doesn't rely upon another person. If both people in the relationship are content within themselves then the chance of maintaining a successful relationship is greater.
Maurizio, You may also find it helpful to read the thread about "Not' Thoughts in Metaphysical Discussion. It talks about affirmations and focusing on what you do want, not on what you don't want. Focusing on being single could be manifesting the state of being single for you....
Good luck. I hope you find happiness greater than you seek.
Light and Love
Michelle |
Anonymous
| | Posted on Monday, March 21, 2005 - 10:25 pm: | |
When you break away from the general mind-set, or the tribal mind (eg that of the family) the group is likely to perceive your individuality and independence, and view those differences as a threat to status quo of the group.
This break away from the beliefs systems of the tribal mind by one individual often led to that person bringing back something (idea or beliefs) that benefit to the group , and/or humanity as a whole.
Do not fear standing alone.
Bless those that criticise and gossip. They act from fear - for they do not see the gift you can offer, by being individual, as a blessing to them also. |
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