From _Permission To Succeed: Unlocking The Mystery of
Success Anorexia_ © 1999 by Noah St. John
PART TWO
When the great Tiger Woods entered his first golf
competition, an international competition for young golfers, as a second
grader, tension hung in the air. The young boys wanted to do well to please
their parents and the crowd of onlookers. Just as the competition was about to
get under way, Tiger's father went up to Tiger and said, "Son, I want you
to know that I love you no matter how you do. Enjoy yourself."
Tiger walked up to the first tee, blasted his ball down the
middle of the fairway, and went on to win the tournament. After the tournament
was over, his father asked him what he was thinking about as he stood over
that first shot. Tiger looked up at his father and said, "Where I wanted
my ball to go, Daddy."
Why is unconditional love the key to overcoming success
anorexia - and what's the difference between conditional and unconditional
love? Let's start with what conditional love looks like.
Conditional love goes something like this: "If you show
up the way I expect you to, if you do the things I expect of you and what I
say, if you perform for me and for other people the way you're supposed to,
then I will love you." Sound familiar?
If that's conditional love, it's pretty easy to see that
unconditional love is simply the opposite. Unconditional love goes something
like this: "I love you no matter what you do and no matter who you are.
Whether you perform, get perfect grades, or show up for me in the ways that I
want or expect you to do, I'm going to love you anyway."
When we talk about unconditional love, however, it's
important to know what we're NOT talking about. We're NOT talking about
letting someone do whatever the hell they want! We're not talking about
permissiveness. We're not talking about letting someone or anyone walk all
over us and say whatever they feel like saying.
What I'm talking about is precisely the opposite of those
things.
Notice again what unconditional love is. Unconditional love
says, "I'm going to love and honor you no matter what." It does NOT
say, "Anything you do is okay." Let me ask you: would it be okay
with you if your child stole something from one of your neighbors? Would it be
okay with you if your boss or your employee embezzled from your company? If
one of your employees or customers or suppliers ripped you off or stole from
you?
It darn well shouldn't be.
Why, then, is unconditional love is so important for helping
us reverse success anorexia? It's very simple.
When you and I were children, we couldn't be expected to
know or see ourselves as we truly are. We had to rely on others to provide us
with that information.
If, however, we grew up "in the funhouse" -- with
distorted or inaccurate reflections of ourselves -- how could we be expected
to know our true worth or value?
You may be thinking, "But Noah, if I've never
experienced unconditional love or support, how am I supposed to know what it
feels like? How am I going to know the difference? How am I supposed to get
it, or find the people who can love and support me unconditionally?"
Glad you asked.
Remember the writing exercise we did last time? That part
was to help you realize what you grew up with and what you already know. For
most of us, it was a good deal of conditional sprinkled with *some*
unconditional.
That's fine. Now I'd like you to complete these sentences:
1. Unconditional love to me means... 2. If someone were to
support me unconditionally, that would mean... 3. When someone loves me
unconditionally, I... 4. If someone were to show up in exactly the way I want,
they would (say)... 5. They would (do).. 6. I would know... 7. And if I did
that,... 8. The people in my life who support me now are... 9. If I had
someone who supported me unconditionally, I... 10. And then I would learn...
11. I can do this now because... 12. I can allow this because... 13. I can be
loved unconditionally because...
When we begin to accept that Who We Are is our Authentic
Self and *not* our Negative Reflection, something amazing will happen.
As if by magic, the people around us will change. What was
once okay and acceptable, like being treating with inconsideration or
conditionality, will no longer be acceptable to you. What was previously
unthinkable -- having people in your life who love and support you
unconditionally -- will become the norm.
I encourage you to remember Who You Really Are and to Be and
Express that. Remember, we humans can never see ourselves as we truly are or
fully comprehend our true value in life, except as reflected through the eyes
of others.
Surround yourself with Loving Mirrors and the world becomes
a reflection of Your True Self. It's a beautiful sight to behold.
Please feel free to email your responses to this article to
me.
My clients and I work on this first step more than all the
other steps combined -- so if these exercises leave you feeling a bit
overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
About The Author:
Read a chapter from Noah St. John's book _Permission To
Succeed: Unlocking The Mystery of Success Anorexia_ and sign up for his FREE
newsletter at PermissionToSucceed.com
.
Top self-help experts including John Gray, Joan Borysenko,
Jack Canfield, and others are already calling Noah's work "one of the
most significant breakthroughs in the study of success in years."
Noah works with people who want to stop limiting their own
success and with a select number of companies that want to increase their
profits while fulfilling their mission and purpose. Visit PermissionToSucceed.com
or call (413) 587-0514.
