From _Permission To Succeed: Unlocking The Mystery of
Success Anorexia_ © 1999 by Noah St. John
PART ONE
In my book _Permission To Succeed_, I use the analogy of a
funhouse mirror and a bathroom mirror to describe why someone develops success
anorexia (the starvation of success). When we look in a bathroom mirror, we
see ourselves accurately reflected. But when we look in a funhouse mirror, we
see a distorted image of ourselves.
The question is: what if we grew up "in the
funhouse?"
If we grew up in the funhouse, we may never have seen
ourselves as we really are - and this may cause us to believe that we can't or
shouldn't or aren't even *allowed* to succeed.
What, then, do you think would be the first step to
overcoming success anorexia?
The answer is, "Get (back) in the bathrooom." In
other words, you need to see yourself as you really are, not as reflected in
the "funhouse mirror" -- perhaps for the first time.
One of the great ironies of human life is that we can never
see ourselves as we truly are, except as we are reflected through the eyes of
others.
That means that we have the duty and the responsibility to
become what I call *Loving Mirrors* to the people in our lives - particularly
ourselves.
What is a Loving Mirror? Simply a person who can love you
unconditionally, someone who gives you the support you need, someone who sees
you as you really are. To begin to find your Loving Mirrors, ask yourself
these questions:
1. How many people in my life support me unconditionally? 2.
How many love me for who I am, no matter what I do? 3. How many have ever seen
past the facade that I put up, to the beauty and splendor that lies inside me?
If you're like every other human being I've ever met, the
number is not very large at all. If you're very lucky, the number is one or
higher.
As with anything, the place we must start is at the
beginning.
Most people in our culture have been raised in an
environment where love is given very conditionally. That means, if you did
"the right things," if you performed or conformed, if you showed up
in the ways that your parents or elders wanted, you were given
"love." However, if you didn't show up in the ways your elders
wanted or approved of, it's likely that love was withdrawn, thereby punishing
you and serving as a deterrent to "incorrect behavior."
Every human being needs to be loved unconditionally in order
to be Who They Really Are. When a child, particularly a hypersensitive,
hyper-responsible one (who feels responsible for everyone else's feelings),
believes they aren't loved for Who They Really Are, that child is forced to
believe that they only deserve love (e.g., are good enough or worthy of love)
when they perform or conform to others' wishes.
One of my clients reported that he was loved or shown
respect when he made money, because his family was relatively poor and his
parents wanted to get out of their financial situation. The problem was that
he didn't feel supported unless he was involved in money-making activities.
What do you think he did? You're right: eventually he
stopped making money, to "prove" to his parents that he had worth
even if he didn't have money.
While this works to fulfill our inner craving to be loved
unconditionally, you can see the problem: he was broke. That's why the first
step to overcoming the starvation of success is to turn to your Loving Mirrors
and get the unconditional support we all desire.
Let's take the first steps together. Please take out your
journal right now and complete these sentences:
1. In my family, love meant... 2. When I was young, love
meant... 3. Love to me means... 4. I was taught that love means... 5. The love
I was shown was... 6. I got love when I... 7. I didn't get love when I... 8. I
was punished when I... 9. I needed to be loved when I... 10. I wished that I
had been loved when I... 11. I needed my parents' support when I... 12. I need
the support of others for me to... 13. When I feel love, I... 14. When I am
supported, I can... 15. When I feel that love is based upon my performance,
I...
Take time to do these exercises and think about how they've
affected your life.
Please feel free to email your responses to me. My clients
and I work on this step more than all the other steps combined -- so if this
exercise leaves you feeling a little overwhelmed, know that you're in exactly
the right place.
About The Author:
Read a chapter from Noah St. John's book _Permission To Succeed: Unlocking The Mystery of Success Anorexia_ and sign up for his
FREE newsletter at http://www.PermissionToSucceed.com
.
Top self-help experts including John Gray, Joan Borysenko, Jack Canfield, and others are already calling Noah's work "one of the
most significant breakthroughs in the study of success in years."
Noah works with people who want to stop limiting their own success and with a select number of companies that want to increase their
profits while fulfilling their mission and purpose. Visit
http://www.PermissionToSucceed.com
or call (413) 587-0514.
